The Damage Nitpicking Causes in Your Marriage

The Damage Nitpicking Causes in Your Marriage Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems Print How Nitpicking Your Spouse Can Damage Your Marriage Why continually finding fault may lead to divorce By Sheri Stritof Sheri Stritof has written about marriage and relationships for 20 years. Shes the co-author of The Everything Great Marriage Book. Learn about our editorial policy Sheri Stritof Medically reviewed by Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD on February 01, 2020 facebook twitter linkedin Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.   Learn about our Medical Review Board Carly Snyder, MD on February 01, 2020 anzeletti / Vetta / Getty Images More in Relationships Spouses & Partners Marital Problems LGBTQ Violence and Abuse When you live in the intimacy of marriage, personality flaws or bad habits of your spouse can get revealedâ€"often much to your annoyance. Its something couples have to deal with when they enter a relationship or get married and it can lead to nitpicking. Though this kind of fussy fault-finding usually involves petty, inconsequential issues or tasks, if done on a regular basis, the ramifications to your union can be seriousâ€"ultimately tearing away at the bond in your relationship. The Negative Effects of Nitpicking A relationship like a marriage brings together two people who most likely have different habits and personalities. It can be easy to pick apart aspects of your partner that you dislike or dont agree with. However, this type of criticism does nothing to help the foundation of your relationship. When you point out what one another has or hasnt done or how your spouse said or did something wrong, you may be belittling, embarrassing, and demeaning your partner. Youre also saying that you want the other person to change and that they arent good enough.  Essentially, nitpicking is a sign that you dont fully respect your mate. Even if this isnt your intention, it can be received this way. Though it can start small, especially at first, it can be a  red flag in your marriage. If you continue to nitpick at your spouse, a growing resentment can create a wall between the two of you. Learn to Live With It John Gottman,  Ph.D., founder of an organization that bases relationship advice on research, notes in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that 69% of relationship problems consists of unsolvable issues.?? These include the little things about your partner that rub you the wrong way and lead to nitpicking. All long-term relationships have issues that involve personality traits or temperamental qualities and can cause perpetual conflict. These unsolvable problems are things you  simply need to learn to live with. Sure, people can make changes and marriage is about adapting to a life together; thats a natural part of it. However, if the little things cause conflict, how can the two of you handle real conflict or the serious issues that will arise? Being overly critical or laying blame on the small stuff can lead to bigger issues and even divorce. Instead of Nitpicking Rather than nitpick your spouse, there are a number of other things you can do. Many of these are seemingly small, but the impact on your relationship can be great. Youll both be happier in the long run if you learn to deal with each others quirks without quarreling. First and foremost, the most important thing you can do is be nice. When you feel like picking out a flaw, turn your own thinking around to simply be kind and show respect. A compliment can be far more helpful. You can also do your best to be supportive of your spouse. Take the time to  listen  about your partners day, feelings, hobby, or whatever they want to talk about. Its another way that you can continue to get to know one another better or try to see your spouses perspective on the issue. Ask yourself if you are expecting perfection. If so, no one will be able to meet your expectations and youll always be disappointed. Its also important to accept that your spouse will have some habits that annoy you. Learn to pick your battles and save your arguments for the big issues (while  fighting fair). No one will promise you that marriage is conflict-free. Its how you handle the conflictsâ€"large and smallâ€"that makes the difference. Before you decide to nitpick, focus on your internal feelings. What is it that you really need? Attention? To be heard, seen, or hugged? Theres a good chance the nitpicking is just a poor attempt to get some other important need met. Finally, if you cant stop nitpicking, acknowledge this as a problem and get help for it. If Youre Being Nitpicked If your spouse nitpicks at you, puts you down, or demeans you, its important that you talk about this issue. It may be a difficult discussion, but its necessary. Describe the hurt and pain you feel from this behavior.  Let your spouse know that when you think youre being nitpicked, you wont overreact but you will say enough and leave the room. Hopefully, after youve done this a few times, your spouse will start to notice their nitpicking behavior. If the nitpicking continues, marriage counseling  may be the best option. When Nitpicking Crosses the Line In some marriages, the level of nitpicking may accelerate into blaming, severe criticism, and hurtful remarks. Its important that you realize when nitpicking crosses the line into abuse.?? Whether its physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or emotional abuse, abusive behavior is never acceptable. If you think youre being abused, please seek professional help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline  is available at  1-800-799-SAFE (7233). How to Recognize Verbal Abuse and Bullying